It’s during the heartbreak that we make our silent vows of self-protection and self-preservation.
“I won’t fall for that again”
“I won’t ever give that much again”
“Never will I allow them to control me again”
“It hurts too much, I gave it all I had. I’m tired. Exhausted.”
Crumbling from the inside out, barely able to give ourselves the hug that we so deeply need. The thought is swirling in our mind; “How to love someone again? I don’t think it’ll ever be possible..”
Days merge and as us humans do, we continue to seemingly move forward. Life unravels in a somewhat planned way; work, friends, drinks at the favorite bar, a holiday here. At some point the heart feels ready enough, perhaps it’s still half crumbled, but there’s a spaciousness in there that wasn’t there a few weeks, months or years ago.
The dates start again. You smile, you chat, you start to feel wholesome once more. Perhaps a date turns into a few, a few dates turn into one lover, the lover turns into the tentative partner.
You are ready.
And yet, you aren’t as ‘full in’ as last time. There’s hesitation, the silent vows you made to yourself are on repeat…
“I won’t fall for that again”
“I won’t ever give that much again”
“Never will I allow them to control me again”
It’s after your heartbreak; can you learn how to love someone again? And I mean truly love someone again?
You can, and here’s how.
Big Love
I’m a believer in BIG LOVE; a love where you go all in, where you choose love over fear in every moment, a love committed to feeling, a love built on deep intimacy, love where vulnerability overrides hiding.
It’s a raw love.
A persistent love.
It’s a patient love.
A risky love.
And exactly because it’s a risky love, is why we don’t want to go there, feel there, or take a chance there.
Why We Stop Ourselves From Loving Fully
We go into every new relationship with the hard-edged encrustations of past hurts, clinging onto the softness, willingness and openness of our hearts. What has happened is that we’re basing our current capacity for loving on our previous unloving or loving relationships. We drag the past stories, hurts and regrets into every new relationship.
The “It’s not safe, I don’t want to get hurt again” protection mechanisms operate and sabotage our future relationships. Read that again.
If you don’t become aware and consciously choose NOT to follow fear over love, every single future love relationship you have will never match up to that experience which broke your heart.
It simply can’t, because you are stopping yourself from loving fully.
To learn how to love someone again, you must be willing to feel, face and be with the possible pain.
If you aren’t willing to face the possible pain, you are choosing what I call “small love”. A love that’s there, but is based on fear. Fear of getting hurt, fear of rejection, fear of not being enough and fear of the relationship ending before it even has begun.
This means you cut any possibilities of a deep, erotic and intimate love to blossom before the delicate flower buds even have a chance to form.
4 Profound Ways To Learn How To Love Someone After Heartbreak
Instead of stopping the love, choose to water it this way and learn how to love someone:
1. Become self-aware
Become aware that you are operating in your relationships from a place of fear instead of love.
Ask yourself, “What would someone who is truly loving do in this situation?” whenever you start to question, doubt or lean towards fear. Asking this question allows a spaciousness to occur around the fear, within this spaciousness you have the conscious ability to choose how you want to act.
2. Embrace vulnerability
Know that vulnerability creates the strongest connection between partners. Vulnerability is the courage to share what you are feeling.
Often it doesn’t feel safe to express our true feelings, it’s been conditioned in us that our feelings are either right or wrong. That’s false. Our feelings are our feelings, sharing what you are feeling allows your partner to understand you at a deeper level.
Sharing vulnerably creates an interweaving of realities so you can have conversations from the same place of understanding.
3. Step into truth, safety, and freedom
Truth, safety, and freedom are the 3 foundations of a “big love” relationship.
Always share your truth (see point 2 above!), then ask yourself what you need to feel safe in your relationship and create that for yourself with your partner by sharing it with them, this leads to ultimate freedom in the relationship. The freedom to be yourself without being judged for who you are.
Feel how freeing just reading that felt already?
Strive for truth, safety, and freedom in your relationship and watch how the “big love” continues to expand.
4. Communicate with your partner
The common thread between all the points above is communication.
A relationship without communication is a failed relationship.
We often expect our partners to understand us, especially if we have been together over time. But we must keep the talk happening, keep sharing your feelings, keep listening.
Communication is the only way to stop the stories, assumptions, and judgments that start forming when we hide our hurts, disappointments, and fears.
The best way to learn how to love someone again is to tell them how you were hurt in the past, how it made you feel and makes you feel right now, share how you want to feel and how you need to be supported in order to fully blossom.
You can get these answers by asking yourself and your partner, “What do you (and I) need to feel to be nurtured, whole, balanced and full?”
Listen to their response, then open the discussion with the vulnerability of whether or not that is a possibility between the two of you. That’s how you will learn how to love someone again.
Now tell me in the comments below, what do you need to feel nurtured, whole, balanced and full?